Chasing a ghost.

Have you ever felt like every time you try something new, something goes wrong? Maybe not right away, maybe it seems good for a little while, but eventually you feel out of place, like it doesn’t “fit” you. Maybe you have the thought ” uhh, this ain’t for me!”

Yeah. ME TOO!

I have ventured out on two new “ideas” within the last six months. Trying to find my “it” factor. Both have which sent me to feeling the – this ain’t for me- vibe. Both are great ideas, but I’m just not the one! —- ((It’s not you, its me!))

SO..here i am. My fingers on a keyboard, just sharing my crazy life and brain waves with who ever will listen read. 

I wanted so bad to chase a dream. Chase something, become something so great and so strong, everyone admired the outcome.  I wanted it so bad, I couldn’t see what I was chasing anymore. It vanished like a ghost. Like I was Houdini back in the 20s. I was feeling blah and mehh as I came to the realization that neither were what I had been looking for.

Then my husband comes in, like superman, and SAVES THE DAY! (emotionally)

He said, “Babe, you are right where you need to be, doing what you need to be doing.” The light bulb came on, and so did the smile. He was right. I am right here…being a mom, a wife, a friend, an employee, a daughter….on the very rare easy days. But most days I’m all those things PLUS –> a chef, a chauffeur, a referee (an unpaid, overworked referee), a nurse whose kiss cures most anything, a bank (a very very broke bank), a book keeper, a dish washer, a keeper of the dirty clothes that I wash at least 3 times BEFORE they make it to the dryer…to be dried another 3 times… and a professional hugger.

All us moms are so much more than “just a mom”. And we never give credit where is credit is most definitely due.

Being a mom is the most difficult, exhausting, emotionally draining, expensive job I have and ever will have. Through all the midnight sheet changes from a potty training toddler, through all the thrown together meals, through all the every two hour newborn feedings, through all the dry shampoo and layers of deodorant paired with spit up clothes that don’t match. All the tears (happy and sad), through all the times we doubt ourselves, we think we are failing as moms….our kids just want us. All of our unfiltered, flawed, failing at being perfect, selves.

There is nothing we can give our kids that will ever amount to our time, and love. Nothing.

I’m done searching for something to fill a irrelevant void, because I have just what I need, in these 4 walls.

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A beautiful mess

These four walls in this house, oh if they could speak.

All the stories they could tell. Sadness. Heartache. Anger. Gain and Loss. Happiness. Laughter. Tears. Hugs. Prayer. Conversations. Disagreements. The difficult truth, and the explanation of emotions.

You go through life thinking “I’m going to do this..I’m going to do that! My husband will not be like this, my kids will never do that! I’m going to work here, make this amount of money and live in this type of house! I will have 3 dogs and 2 cats!”

…then life knocks at your door.

For some people their life plans really do work out and with only minor hiccups along the way…but for most when life knocks at your door it grabs your arm, holds you tight and keeps you in the eye of the storm for the better part of your days.

Watching your world spin around and around just trying to catch a glimps of something that isn’t moving. Something steady, grounded.

For the majority of November I have been living in the eye of the storm…just looking for something to not move long enough to catch a grip.

its all still moving pretty fast.

Alot of days those four walls see every emotion known. From laughs and smiles, to tears and prayers.

Begging Jesus for guidence and direction…along with forgiveness and consistency.

this life is a beautiful [giant] mess. — i can’t post pictures on social media, portraying that within these four walls there is perfection….because I mean let’s be real, it’s not. No where close.

It is M I N E though, and I am so unworthy. Unworthy of my many many blessings. Unworthy of my crazy, moody, wide open, “ALL boy”, big hearted, sweet little boys. Unworthy of the unfailing love from my husband. Unworthy of the unconditional love from my God.

Unworthy, but SO proud, to be driving this hot mess express.

i am just holding on to the two things I can get a grip on while in the eye of the storm…faith and love.

Have you ever had such a thrown together but yet falling apart week that you literally can’t even??? Like you swear if one more thing goes wrong you’re tappin out— yeah, me too! but then I hit a bird, in my carport. Had to shovel it to its grave. And here i am…not tapping out ((because it’s just not a real option)).

That week, both of my boys came down with some snotty noses, sore throats but some how dodged strep. My husband had to work like a mule, I didn’t see him for four straight days. My dog ran away. My mom had surgery to remove some cancerous places in her thyroid…and then I killed a bird. — && then Thursday was Thanksgiving (yes,this all happened in 4 days)…I’m sure I’m leaving something out.

So when you are scrolling through your news feed or all the pictures on insta, thinking “how do all these people live such perfect lives and mines a big ole ball of mushy mess” ….I am here to tell you, if you see one of mine and it looks like a decent picture. It’s just that – a decent picture, where we happen to all smile at the same time and look like we have it together! I promise you it’s not all rainbows and butterflies in this house!!!

This is for >YOU< shout out to all the other drivers out there..toot your “hot mess express” horn and just keep chuggin – we will be just fine y’all ❤️

in your arms.

Its a constant movement.

This world slows down for NO ONE.

Its ups and downs, pot holes, 90 mph, 2 mph, smooth – just paved- roads, then all the sudden you get comfortable and hit the grooves on the side of the road…back to smooth road, then a couple pot holes again….you get it.

I blurt out my feelings one day, keep it all in the next.

Laugh at everything one minute, RBF the next.

This life, it keep me on my toes….but then there’s you.

Your saving grace, your calm presence, your encouragement. Your security. You are what keeps my feet on the ground.

Your arms wrap around me and for those moments, everything is just gone. It is pure relief. No sadness, no stress, no questions, no decisions to make. Nothing. Without saying a word you have soothed my soul.

There is no doubt in my mind you were made just to make this world a better place. You shine light into so many different peoples lives, its mind blowing. Your kindness is immeasurable and your ability to forgive warms my heart.

There has never been a safer place for me than in your arms.

I don’t know how I ever got away with such a heart to love me for my whole life, unconditionally….but I will be forever grateful for your love.

Today, I hope you read this and know that there is no other place I would rather spend the rest of my life then in your arms!

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…your unfailing, warm, full of forgiveness, safe, quiet, overwhelming, loving arms ❤

 

Farewell.

I’m fine, please don’t worry.

It’s not something I have yet to accept, or something I haven’t come to terms with…

It doesn’t hold me back, it doesn’t make me feel weak…

I don’t have a grudge, or hate, or bad wishes for you, I don’t dwell on it…

It’s not a hot topic for me, I’m not having a hard time with it…

 

…anymore.

I was 19. You were 46. You helped create me. And with one disagreement, you let it all go. You let your nineteen year old daughter walk out of your life, with no fight to get her back..at all. You, me and Jesus know what was said, and what you have done.

Growing up, there was always a sense of betterment. A sense of entitlement…because you had the title “Dad”. I wanted so bad to be a “daddy’s little girl” but I guess the timing was never right, or maybe I just reminded you too much of my mom. Maybe I shared too much of my opinion or maybe my bull-headedness got in the way. Sometimes I think maybe if I was a little more like your other kids, I would have gotten more from you. I use to blame myself when I was growing up..and I watched you with everyone else.

Christmas’ were always a slap in my face. I would ask for something very specific..and I got that one thing, only twice in my life. Christmas is very vivid for me. There were so many weekends I would hear this on the other end of the phone “I can’t make it home this weekend honey, I’m sorry”. I already had my bags packed and my mind set on going to your house. There were so many basketball games, football games, cheerleading competitions, recitals, and gymnastic meets that were missed. I don’t know what type of feeling that gave you to miss those things, but I know the feelings I had when you missed them.

The older I got the more walls I built. I was tired of being hurt by someone who was suppose to show me unconditional love. The older I got, the more I started to see through the bullshit, the lies, the excuses. I told myself one Friday night when you missed a basketball game last minute, “I will never do this to my kids”.

You know as a kid you get this feeling of hope, all the time. Like kids are so hopeful of what is to come. Like if a kid wants to go to park and the parent says “not today honey, its raining, maybe we can go tomorrow!”. The light in that little kids eyes shines so bright in hopes that tomorrow it doesn’t rain so they can go to the park. Normal people, they grow up and continue to have that light in their eyes, because they went to the park the next day with their parent. You stole that light from me. I remember giving you SO many chances to follow through, and I bet I can count on two hands how many times it actually happened in my lifetime.

You never believed in me. You did just enough to get by with me. I was the black sheep of your family. Remember that time you blamed me for having a party in your house, made me leave???? Just know, you blamed the wrong daughter. I wasn’t even there that night..at all. I had more respect for you (even though you obviously didn’t for me) then to do that.

The older I got the more fed up I got. The more decisions I made on my own. The more I would stand my ground, and the more you didn’t like it.

That day, when you let your kid walk out of your life….that was the day I decided my life was worth more than the price you have put on it for so many years. My life, my family…they will never hurt like I have…and I have you to thank for that!

Thank you for showing me how strong I really am. Thank you for showing me what type of man I want to marry, thank you for showing me what type of dad I want him to be. You have shown me what qualities to look for in a man..and that man, he is great. Someone so special, someone that has healed so many broken places in my life.

All the truth I could tell, I will take it to my grave. The truth would ruin you, and for some reason I just cant bring myself to do that.

I am not bitter towards you and I wish you farewell in your life. I hope someday, you realize how much I really did love you. How much I really did look up to you. How much I really did believe in you. And how much I really am okay with how it turned out.

I’m sure this letter will find you, and when it does..just know I pray for you all the time. I am okay, I really am. I want you to know I have a beautiful life. Thank you for what you have shown me in life! I hope this life treats you well dad, I really do.

 

 

Being a slave to reality.

Overwhelmed. So much that it takes your breath. So many “to-do’s” that you don’t do any of them. You brain has moved so quick for most of the day, you are too tired to think.

Too tired to think for yourself, much less the two little wild things running around your house.

How am I suppose to close my eyes when I have SO much on my mind. Things I still need to do, things I forgot to put on my list to do, something i didn’t give all my attention to today because I wasn’t focused, questions of quality time spent with family..was it enough, maybe it wasn’t.

This past weekend my husband and I took the whole day off [on Saturday] and spent some VERY MUCH NEEDED time with our kids. No phone calls, text, social media, TV, nothing. Just us, the kids, some fishing poles and a couple ponds in the middle of 1500+ acres of quietness.

Let me just say if you can’t find the missing piece to the crazy part of life you’re in. If you can’t focus. If you are feeling overwhelmed, over worked, and under joyed…. TAKE A BREAK from it ALL.

I have never felt so at peace, and soulful. My heart was calm. My mind was at ease. We listened to the birds sing, the wind blow, the quiet.

Time moved a lot slower.

It was like there was more sunlight that day, so we could fish a little longer. There were fish biting hooks that didn’t even have bait on them. There were giggles, LOUD giggles, screams full of excitement, smiles a county mile long. Oh my heart couldn’t have been happier.

That day, God handed it to me on silver platter. He reminded me of the reasons for my life that day. He showed me exactly what it means to work for him..instead of being a slave to reality.

So many times when we are stressed, aggravated, unhappy, tense, emotional…we really just need to take a step back, find some peace and quiet and let the Lord remind you of what you have been needing in your life.

Let Him refresh you, bring you back to Him.

 

Don’t be a slave to reality.

Hope — anchor me.

I struggle with the right things to say when I’m praying.

Like do I ask him for this, or do I just leave it out. Am I suppose to be praying out loud every time or can I let my heart talk.

Does it make me less of a follower of Christ because I don’t go to church every time the doors are open. Am I not favored because I had a child out of wedlock. Does he not look down and smile as much, because I know I sin more than others.

What does the future with my family look like. Do we shine the right light. Is it bright enough. Are my children understanding what me and my husband are trying to teach them.

My head is always full of questions. And alot of times, it wonders.

I don’t always feel as if I am on the right path and I often question what God is doing with my life.

I’m not always on my best behavior and alot of times I don’t set aside alone time with Him.

I fail every single day at being perfect.

Well what keeps you coming back to your Faith then?? Hope.

I have hope in my heart, and I know Jesus loves me.

He knows what my life has in store and has known long before my time. I just have to trust in him…and have hope.

His hope that I feel in my heart when I get that 5 minutes of silence….its more refreshing than any spa day or glass of wine could ever be.

It anchors me in my Faith, it keeps me grounded.

Let’s me know no matter what this life brings me, He is on my side, and I will not fail. He brings light to my darkness.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, he knows. If you are scared and unsure, he knows. If you are losing your Faith, he knows.

Let His hope anchor you during this hurricane called life 💙

Effortless love.

The effortless love of being in love.

The love that is so easy, so unconditional, so comforting.

The love that makes you whole..literally it fills all the holes your heart has ever had.

The love that makes you smile with just a thought..and brings tears to know it was meant just for you.

A soul mate. The other half to your puzzle. The one that loves your flaws…which makes you love them even more. The one that knows, without a word, exactly what you need. The owner of the hugs that make your world not feel like it’s crumbling.

You are probably wondering if this person exist for you..and the answer is yes. But you need to know also..you are this person for someone.

I love when I see a couple and they just compliment each other so well…just the vibe they put off, you know they are a power couple!

I love love. It’s like my favorite topic!

I think it is something that gets overlooked so much because so many people nowa days don’t really believe in it.

They think they don’t need someone because they are independent. That makes me sad for them..who doesn’t want someone to share their life with???

I do believe there is someone for everyone…..

go find em and love em hard 💙💙💙💙