Taking a leap.

It’s the absolute hardest thing I have ever done…or not done.

Everyone says “you never know til you try” or “you have to take a leap of faith” or “don’t knock it til you try it” …. that last one is mainly a food reference that my husband says when he makes some sort of grotesque concoction he calls food – but you get the point.

Every time any of us have a new idea, or want to try sometime new, or take a new job, or make a new commitment, or get a dog, or have another baby…or on the other hand, decide not to keep doing something, or say no to an opportunity —- no matter what that thing may be, someone (most of the time more than one person) has opinions. They either support you, or try to turn you in the opposite direction.

I’m not that person though. I never have been, because I can’t stand when someone does it to me.

I say – do you boo boo! Because this is YOUR life. If you’re married or in a serious relationship, you obviously share a life with that person and your decisions are their decisions (or that’s how it should be…in my opinion 😉) but, even still, you have decisions to make alone, and with your person.

I say put your shades on and do you. I say take the job if you want it. Get the dog (they will most likely make your heart more full than you could imagine). Grow your family. Buy that thing you really really want. Invest in yourself. Move across country. Take the vacation. Spend your money on what you want. Get the tattoo everyone says you’ll regret (or regert…if you don’t get it -✌🏼)

…because this is YOUR life and you only get one. There is no going back. All you’ll have is the “I wish” ‘s…and they ain’t good for anything.

I believe if everyone would start investing more time into their lives and themselves and less into trying to dictate what others do…we would be a much better society. We would raise independent children. We would raise motivated children. Our children would love themselves because they would know that they can do anything they set their minds to, no matter what anyone tells them…that’s what I want my kids to know. I want them to know no matter the obstacles or how many times someone tells them “I don’t think you should”, that they just keep doing whatever it is that they love and have passion for.

So…here’s to take leaps! Let’s do more leaping and less opinionating (that’s not a word…but who cares…you get it) 💁🏼‍♀️🍻

Have a good day folks!

New Year, New Me.

2018 has come and gone. So here we are –> the first week of 2019. Everybody is on social media like “new year, new me y’all… watch out”. They make resolutions to start exercising, to drink more water, to eat better, to read more, to watch less TV, to rid themselves of negative people, to be more self-aware…the list literally goes ON and ON and ON. (insert dramatically large intense eye roll here)

Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t set goals, make positive changes in your life…for the better. BUT you shouldn’t wait 365 days to do life different. (I am totally talking to myself here..so if you’re reading this thinking well isn’t she just high and mighty and perfect….you couldn’t be more wrong.) I decided about 3 months ago “when the new year comes around, I am going to start making some changes.” Now, three months later I’ve just started. I can’t help but be pissed off at myself though because what if I would have started when I first made the decision..I’d have a bangin’ body, be able to do more then 3 unassisted pull ups, and be three months further along.

Did you know that 76 percent of new years resolutions are broken by March first?? I am determined to make it past March. That’s a small, reachable goal.

-side note…I am writing this so I’m held accountable by someone other than myself…so here ya go!

I also think that most people go into their resolutions already having a failure mindset..and that shouldn’t be the “new you”. We think ” I can do this” before it starts, but when we hit a hard day…we question if we set the bar too high. I say we because I do it too. Sometimes its not the task that is hard…its our mindset that isn’t right. I don’t know what the solution to that hardship is…other than telling yourself to suck it up! That’s what I tell my kids when they hit a bump in the road, not in those exact words of course, but I try to teach them that life is hard sometimes, and that’s just the way it is…but tomorrow is a new day and to be thankful for that! So, practice what you preach right?! Also, my six year old tells me and his dad all the time that “you have to finish what you start!” …so if you don’t take my advice, take his!

YOU — you need to go start your “new you” with the mindset that you can do it, and the bar is NOT set too high. I mean, we don’t change over night, we just have to take it one day at a time and decide to grit our teeth a little harder and suck it up!

much love y’all ♦ show me whatcha got 2019 ♦

 

Sacrifice.

As a parent, mom or dad, we live a life full of daily sacrifices.

Financial sacrifices are probably what most people prior to becoming parents, think about. Kids are expensive. In the first 18 years of a child’s life, they will cost you AT LEAST $233,610 (that was the average for middle class families in 2015). That’s for one of those little rascals. That don’t include college, braces, vehicles.

As women, we sacrifice our bodies to grow these tiny humans. Tiny humans that steal our cute little pre-baby bodies and then when they’re done growing make sure it never quite looks like that again! ….but they also steal our hearts. And they give us life, a life we never in our wildest dreams could’ve imagined. They fill a void in our momma hearts, we didn’t even know we had.

Parents sacrifice space > Personal space. Sleep space. Poop space. Couch space. ALL of the space in your little “me” bubble it’s G O N E.

We sacrifice emotions. I have only been a mom for a little over 6 years, and I’m pretty sure I’ve experienced every emotion within 24 hours, at least once a week since my mom days started! I never thought I could laugh and cry at the same exact moment, due to a cute little screaming sleepless toddler. Or have a six year old who has growing pains, literally just break your heart. These growing pains, emotionally and physically – they’re no joke y’all. But when you look into the eyes of a human being that you created, you grew, and you are molding… W O W – y’all there is just nothing more joyful in this world. — can you imagine how God feels?!?! Seeing all of us here on this Earth, His children?! Can you imagine all of His emotions?!

We sacrifice time. Time with friends and family. Sleep time ( SOOOOOOO MUCH SLEEP TIME). Time when you would sit down, pre-baby, and have a nice meal with your spouse. Relaxation time. Now it’s like, “sorry, can’t hangout for the next 18 years, I’m busy being a tired mom with week old hair, no makeup, and I don’t own “nice” clothes!”

We sacrifice our hygiene. Yep —dry shampoo was invented for moms, y’all girls can thank us later! I mean you’re lucky if you get a shower every two days….and REALLY lucky if you grab a shirt from the closet that doesn’t have some sort of stain on it (either from you, or your kids) . Brushing your hair? Nah just go with it. Curling it — dream on sister! Not for the first 5 years at least! Make-up…uhh does eye bags count? Or the sleepless black eyes?? Or the stress bumps? Ohhh…what about the menstrual cycle bumps? Those are pretty much guaranteed and they come back every month in the same spot!

We sacrifice SO much of our life, actually our WHOLE lives, to be parents. And that is scary to think of. Knowing that for the rest of my life, I’ll never have a day that is a selfish day. My mind and heart will always be taken by the two wild, courageous, fun, exhausting little boys I help create. I will never have another day that goes by that I don’t think like a mom. You never cut mom/dad brain off..somebody cut that ish on and there is no switch to cut it off! Yeah, it can sound unfair at times, and even feel that way somedays. But those lives we created, they are worth every tear, every drop of sweat, every sleepless night (and day), every drive-thru you go through because they refuse to put anything else in their mouth that day. Every argument. Every single day…the sacrifice seems nonexistent to us, but one day those tiny humans become men and women, husbands and wives, moms and dads…and they will realize and understand and appreciate all those little things you did and still are doing for them. They’re all SO worth it.

Happy days, people! Keep sacrificing, it doesn’t go unnoticed…and defiantly doesn’t go under appreciated!

Chasing a ghost.

Have you ever felt like every time you try something new, something goes wrong? Maybe not right away, maybe it seems good for a little while, but eventually you feel out of place, like it doesn’t “fit” you. Maybe you have the thought ” uhh, this ain’t for me!”

Yeah. ME TOO!

I have ventured out on two new “ideas” within the last six months. Trying to find my “it” factor. Both have which sent me to feeling the – this ain’t for me- vibe. Both are great ideas, but I’m just not the one! —- ((It’s not you, its me!))

SO..here i am. My fingers on a keyboard, just sharing my crazy life and brain waves with who ever will listen read. 

I wanted so bad to chase a dream. Chase something, become something so great and so strong, everyone admired the outcome.  I wanted it so bad, I couldn’t see what I was chasing anymore. It vanished like a ghost. Like I was Houdini back in the 20s. I was feeling blah and mehh as I came to the realization that neither were what I had been looking for.

Then my husband comes in, like superman, and SAVES THE DAY! (emotionally)

He said, “Babe, you are right where you need to be, doing what you need to be doing.” The light bulb came on, and so did the smile. He was right. I am right here…being a mom, a wife, a friend, an employee, a daughter….on the very rare easy days. But most days I’m all those things PLUS –> a chef, a chauffeur, a referee (an unpaid, overworked referee), a nurse whose kiss cures most anything, a bank (a very very broke bank), a book keeper, a dish washer, a keeper of the dirty clothes that I wash at least 3 times BEFORE they make it to the dryer…to be dried another 3 times… and a professional hugger.

All us moms are so much more than “just a mom”. And we never give credit where is credit is most definitely due.

Being a mom is the most difficult, exhausting, emotionally draining, expensive job I have and ever will have. Through all the midnight sheet changes from a potty training toddler, through all the thrown together meals, through all the every two hour newborn feedings, through all the dry shampoo and layers of deodorant paired with spit up clothes that don’t match. All the tears (happy and sad), through all the times we doubt ourselves, we think we are failing as moms….our kids just want us. All of our unfiltered, flawed, failing at being perfect, selves.

There is nothing we can give our kids that will ever amount to our time, and love. Nothing.

I’m done searching for something to fill a irrelevant void, because I have just what I need, in these 4 walls.

A beautiful mess

These four walls in this house, oh if they could speak.

All the stories they could tell. Sadness. Heartache. Anger. Gain and Loss. Happiness. Laughter. Tears. Hugs. Prayer. Conversations. Disagreements. The difficult truth, and the explanation of emotions.

You go through life thinking “I’m going to do this..I’m going to do that! My husband will not be like this, my kids will never do that! I’m going to work here, make this amount of money and live in this type of house! I will have 3 dogs and 2 cats!”

…then life knocks at your door.

For some people their life plans really do work out and with only minor hiccups along the way…but for most when life knocks at your door it grabs your arm, holds you tight and keeps you in the eye of the storm for the better part of your days.

Watching your world spin around and around just trying to catch a glimps of something that isn’t moving. Something steady, grounded.

For the majority of November I have been living in the eye of the storm…just looking for something to not move long enough to catch a grip.

its all still moving pretty fast.

Alot of days those four walls see every emotion known. From laughs and smiles, to tears and prayers.

Begging Jesus for guidence and direction…along with forgiveness and consistency.

this life is a beautiful [giant] mess. — i can’t post pictures on social media, portraying that within these four walls there is perfection….because I mean let’s be real, it’s not. No where close.

It is M I N E though, and I am so unworthy. Unworthy of my many many blessings. Unworthy of my crazy, moody, wide open, “ALL boy”, big hearted, sweet little boys. Unworthy of the unfailing love from my husband. Unworthy of the unconditional love from my God.

Unworthy, but SO proud, to be driving this hot mess express.

i am just holding on to the two things I can get a grip on while in the eye of the storm…faith and love.

Have you ever had such a thrown together but yet falling apart week that you literally can’t even??? Like you swear if one more thing goes wrong you’re tappin out— yeah, me too! but then I hit a bird, in my carport. Had to shovel it to its grave. And here i am…not tapping out ((because it’s just not a real option)).

That week, both of my boys came down with some snotty noses, sore throats but some how dodged strep. My husband had to work like a mule, I didn’t see him for four straight days. My dog ran away. My mom had surgery to remove some cancerous places in her thyroid…and then I killed a bird. — && then Thursday was Thanksgiving (yes,this all happened in 4 days)…I’m sure I’m leaving something out.

So when you are scrolling through your news feed or all the pictures on insta, thinking “how do all these people live such perfect lives and mines a big ole ball of mushy mess” ….I am here to tell you, if you see one of mine and it looks like a decent picture. It’s just that – a decent picture, where we happen to all smile at the same time and look like we have it together! I promise you it’s not all rainbows and butterflies in this house!!!

This is for >YOU< shout out to all the other drivers out there..toot your “hot mess express” horn and just keep chuggin – we will be just fine y’all ❤️

in your arms.

Its a constant movement.

This world slows down for NO ONE.

Its ups and downs, pot holes, 90 mph, 2 mph, smooth – just paved- roads, then all the sudden you get comfortable and hit the grooves on the side of the road…back to smooth road, then a couple pot holes again….you get it.

I blurt out my feelings one day, keep it all in the next.

Laugh at everything one minute, RBF the next.

This life, it keep me on my toes….but then there’s you.

Your saving grace, your calm presence, your encouragement. Your security. You are what keeps my feet on the ground.

Your arms wrap around me and for those moments, everything is just gone. It is pure relief. No sadness, no stress, no questions, no decisions to make. Nothing. Without saying a word you have soothed my soul.

There is no doubt in my mind you were made just to make this world a better place. You shine light into so many different peoples lives, its mind blowing. Your kindness is immeasurable and your ability to forgive warms my heart.

There has never been a safer place for me than in your arms.

I don’t know how I ever got away with such a heart to love me for my whole life, unconditionally….but I will be forever grateful for your love.

Today, I hope you read this and know that there is no other place I would rather spend the rest of my life then in your arms!

15994392_1660033767356333_8730504422476697203_o

…your unfailing, warm, full of forgiveness, safe, quiet, overwhelming, loving arms ❤

 

Farewell.

I’m fine, please don’t worry.

It’s not something I have yet to accept, or something I haven’t come to terms with…

It doesn’t hold me back, it doesn’t make me feel weak…

I don’t have a grudge, or hate, or bad wishes for you, I don’t dwell on it…

It’s not a hot topic for me, I’m not having a hard time with it…

 

…anymore.

I was 19. You were 46. You helped create me. And with one disagreement, you let it all go. You let your nineteen year old daughter walk out of your life, with no fight to get her back..at all. You, me and Jesus know what was said, and what you have done.

Growing up, there was always a sense of betterment. A sense of entitlement…because you had the title “Dad”. I wanted so bad to be a “daddy’s little girl” but I guess the timing was never right, or maybe I just reminded you too much of my mom. Maybe I shared too much of my opinion or maybe my bull-headedness got in the way. Sometimes I think maybe if I was a little more like your other kids, I would have gotten more from you. I use to blame myself when I was growing up..and I watched you with everyone else.

Christmas’ were always a slap in my face. I would ask for something very specific..and I got that one thing, only twice in my life. Christmas is very vivid for me. There were so many weekends I would hear this on the other end of the phone “I can’t make it home this weekend honey, I’m sorry”. I already had my bags packed and my mind set on going to your house. There were so many basketball games, football games, cheerleading competitions, recitals, and gymnastic meets that were missed. I don’t know what type of feeling that gave you to miss those things, but I know the feelings I had when you missed them.

The older I got the more walls I built. I was tired of being hurt by someone who was suppose to show me unconditional love. The older I got, the more I started to see through the bullshit, the lies, the excuses. I told myself one Friday night when you missed a basketball game last minute, “I will never do this to my kids”.

You know as a kid you get this feeling of hope, all the time. Like kids are so hopeful of what is to come. Like if a kid wants to go to park and the parent says “not today honey, its raining, maybe we can go tomorrow!”. The light in that little kids eyes shines so bright in hopes that tomorrow it doesn’t rain so they can go to the park. Normal people, they grow up and continue to have that light in their eyes, because they went to the park the next day with their parent. You stole that light from me. I remember giving you SO many chances to follow through, and I bet I can count on two hands how many times it actually happened in my lifetime.

You never believed in me. You did just enough to get by with me. I was the black sheep of your family. Remember that time you blamed me for having a party in your house, made me leave???? Just know, you blamed the wrong daughter. I wasn’t even there that night..at all. I had more respect for you (even though you obviously didn’t for me) then to do that.

The older I got the more fed up I got. The more decisions I made on my own. The more I would stand my ground, and the more you didn’t like it.

That day, when you let your kid walk out of your life….that was the day I decided my life was worth more than the price you have put on it for so many years. My life, my family…they will never hurt like I have…and I have you to thank for that!

Thank you for showing me how strong I really am. Thank you for showing me what type of man I want to marry, thank you for showing me what type of dad I want him to be. You have shown me what qualities to look for in a man..and that man, he is great. Someone so special, someone that has healed so many broken places in my life.

All the truth I could tell, I will take it to my grave. The truth would ruin you, and for some reason I just cant bring myself to do that.

I am not bitter towards you and I wish you farewell in your life. I hope someday, you realize how much I really did love you. How much I really did look up to you. How much I really did believe in you. And how much I really am okay with how it turned out.

I’m sure this letter will find you, and when it does..just know I pray for you all the time. I am okay, I really am. I want you to know I have a beautiful life. Thank you for what you have shown me in life! I hope this life treats you well dad, I really do.