I’m fine, please don’t worry.
It’s not something I have yet to accept, or something I haven’t come to terms with…
It doesn’t hold me back, it doesn’t make me feel weak…
I don’t have a grudge, or hate, or bad wishes for you, I don’t dwell on it…
It’s not a hot topic for me, I’m not having a hard time with it…
I was 19. You were 46. You helped create me. And with one disagreement, you let it all go. You let your nineteen year old daughter walk out of your life, with no fight to get her back..at all. You, me and Jesus know what was said, and what you have done.
Growing up, there was always a sense of betterment. A sense of entitlement…because you had the title “Dad”. I wanted so bad to be a “daddy’s little girl” but I guess the timing was never right, or maybe I just reminded you too much of my mom. Maybe I shared too much of my opinion or maybe my bull-headedness got in the way. Sometimes I think maybe if I was a little more like your other kids, I would have gotten more from you. I use to blame myself when I was growing up..and I watched you with everyone else.
Christmas’ were always a slap in my face. I would ask for something very specific..and I got that one thing, only twice in my life. Christmas is very vivid for me. There were so many weekends I would hear this on the other end of the phone “I can’t make it home this weekend honey, I’m sorry”. I already had my bags packed and my mind set on going to your house. There were so many basketball games, football games, cheerleading competitions, recitals, and gymnastic meets that were missed. I don’t know what type of feeling that gave you to miss those things, but I know the feelings I had when you missed them.
The older I got the more walls I built. I was tired of being hurt by someone who was suppose to show me unconditional love. The older I got, the more I started to see through the bullshit, the lies, the excuses. I told myself one Friday night when you missed a basketball game last minute, “I will never do this to my kids”.
You know as a kid you get this feeling of hope, all the time. Like kids are so hopeful of what is to come. Like if a kid wants to go to park and the parent says “not today honey, its raining, maybe we can go tomorrow!”. The light in that little kids eyes shines so bright in hopes that tomorrow it doesn’t rain so they can go to the park. Normal people, they grow up and continue to have that light in their eyes, because they went to the park the next day with their parent. You stole that light from me. I remember giving you SO many chances to follow through, and I bet I can count on two hands how many times it actually happened in my lifetime.
You never believed in me. You did just enough to get by with me. I was the black sheep of your family. Remember that time you blamed me for having a party in your house, made me leave???? Just know, you blamed the wrong daughter. I wasn’t even there that night..at all. I had more respect for you (even though you obviously didn’t for me) then to do that.
The older I got the more fed up I got. The more decisions I made on my own. The more I would stand my ground, and the more you didn’t like it.
That day, when you let your kid walk out of your life….that was the day I decided my life was worth more than the price you have put on it for so many years. My life, my family…they will never hurt like I have…and I have you to thank for that!
Thank you for showing me how strong I really am. Thank you for showing me what type of man I want to marry, thank you for showing me what type of dad I want him to be. You have shown me what qualities to look for in a man..and that man, he is great. Someone so special, someone that has healed so many broken places in my life.
All the truth I could tell, I will take it to my grave. The truth would ruin you, and for some reason I just cant bring myself to do that.
I am not bitter towards you and I wish you farewell in your life. I hope someday, you realize how much I really did love you. How much I really did look up to you. How much I really did believe in you. And how much I really am okay with how it turned out.
I’m sure this letter will find you, and when it does..just know I pray for you all the time. I am okay, I really am. I want you to know I have a beautiful life. Thank you for what you have shown me in life! I hope this life treats you well dad, I really do.